Haldir Storms the Keep
by Ponytail Goddess
Summary: A half Chippendale, half Rambo style Haldir takes control of the Battle of Helms Deep and crazy randomness ensues!


Welcome to Haldir Storms the Keep! Readers BEWARE!!! THIS FIC IS MUCH DIFFERENT THAN MY OTHER VERY SERIOUS FICS!!!** READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!**

WARNING: This fic contains SEXUAL HUMOR, DIRTY HUMOR, CHARACTER BASHING, and REALLY RANDOM and CLICHÉ STUFF!!! Do not read it if you cannot handle this.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or anything associated with Tolkien Enterprises. I also do not own Rambo, The Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Medieval, Talladega Nights, Chippendales, War and Peace, or Chuck Norris.

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**Haldir Storms the Keep**

_By Ponytail Goddess_

_(with many thanks to Schatten13 for ideas!)_

It was a dark, stormy night. Haldir looked down from the keep as the rain kept pouring, showering the orcs and uruk-hai below. He smirked evilly and winked at the camera that was filming him.

It was time.

As the first arrow was fired into the herd of foul beasts below, Haldir threw his bow to the ground. He grabbed the front of his regulation Galadhrim tunic and with a mighty yank, he tore it from his body to reveal his fabulous, fake-tanned and well-oiled pecs. Licking his finger, Haldir waved his shirt through the air like a lasso, posing for the camera sensuously.

"Oh dear Elbereth…" said a blushing Figwit, standing a few feet away. "Not again…"

"This is the fourth time this week—AY-YI-YI!!!" Rumil cried, covering his eyes so he would not have to watch the horrifying scene, as Haldir was now rubbing the tunic between his legs, back and forth like a Chippendale.

With a mighty flick of his powerful fingers, Haldir's tunic flew from the keep and smacked the head uruk-hai in the face, causing him to growl all the more. Haldir now took his regal red cape and wrapped it around his head, creating a homemade sweatband.

"What I need," Haldir thought to himself, "is a distraction."

Suddenly, a light source from the future appeared above Haldir's head. With a knowing smile, Haldir immediately struck a pose, his knees bent and arms flexed like a bodybuilder. And as he stood there, in all of his orange-tinted glory, a strange thing happened.

Haldir's man-boobs started to move. First the right one, then the left. They went up and down to the foreboding sound of timpani drums, which were mysteriously playing in the air.

The orcs and uruk-hai were totally entranced. All went quiet as they became hypnotized by the manly man-boobies of Haldir. Haldir smiled. Everything was going according to plan.

Out of nowhere, Haldir pulled a large machine gun, complete with a distance scope and ropes of shells that were quickly slung across each of his shoulders. "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!!!" He screamed and started firing away like a maniac, stopping only once to lick his lips seductively for the camera.

Upon being attacked, the orcs started to swarm to the keep like marysues flocking to Legolas. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!" Haldir screamed, then jumped into the herd of orcs below him.

"Uh…shouldn't we be helping him or something?" Asked Legolas, appearing to be slightly turned on by the scene that was playing out before him.

"I wouldn't recommend that…our chances of survival are much better up here…" Orophin said. "Once Haldir gets in the zone, it's best to stay out of the way. Especially if he starts his ninja-foo."

Down below the keep, things were starting to get ugly. So ugly, in fact, that they might be considered fugly. Haldir decided that it was time to break out his Chinese stars. With a swift flick of his wrist, Haldir threw out a single star and watched the chaos that ensued.

Ting!

Tang!

Tong!

The Chinese star swiftly bounced between several orc weapons, then proceeded to fly back up to the keep. It flew swiftly in one of Theoden's ears…

"Son of a…"

…and out the other...

…then chopped off Gimli's beard…

"NO!!! IT HAS ROBBED ME OF MY DWARFHOOD!!!"

… then bounced off of Figwit's head…

"I'm not a real character, tee-HEE!!!"

…then flew off to Mount Doom…

…and chopped off Frodo's head….

"Thank Iluvatar, it's about time I became the hero!" said Sam, "For Pete's sake, if we'd just given the damn thing to Haldir in the first place, this would have been over within 24 hours!"

…and then back to Haldir, who caught it easily and posed with it for the camera while doing a few pelvis thrusts for the ladies. The song "I'm Too Sexy" began to play through the air and a large dance party broke out among the orcs, complete with a disco ball and fog machine.

Suddenly, Haldir stopped and crouched down in concentration. "Oh no, my spidey-senses are tingling!" Quickly, Haldir jumped onto the keep and crawled up the wall like Spiderman. Upon reaching the top, he saw an uruk-hai running with the Olympic torch.

However, everyone knows that this is not enough to stop Haldir. Quickly, Haldir yanked down his breeches. "And now, dear friends, I shall piss excellence!" He yelled, and then did just that.

The mighty piss of Haldir rained down upon the Olympic torch below and put it out. "NO!!! I'M MELTING!!! I'M MELTING!!!" Screamed the uruk-hai below with his burnt out torch.

Apparently, the mighty piss of Haldir also has acidic qualities. "Wow," Haldir said to himself, "I didn't even know I could do that! Shake and bake!"

"WAIT!!! WAIT, IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS!!! NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!" Legolas screamed as he ran up behind Haldir. "OH NO!!! HALDIR, YOU KILLED THE FATHER OF MY UNBORN CHILD, URUK-HAI #19!!!!"

"What?!?" Haldir hissed, grabbing Legolas by the arms. "For the one-thousandth time Legolas, you have to quit sleeping around with orcs, spiders, and ents! That's what the fangirls are for!!! And I thought you learned your lesson about using protection that last time when you slept with Grima!!!"

A now crying Legolas hugged Haldir for comfort. "I know, I know…Haldir, I need help! I can't stop…"

"Don't worry my confused little friend, admitting you have a problem is half the battle…" Haldir said, soothing him a bit. Unfortunantly, a few orcs start to run towards them. After making a split second decision, Haldir pulled out a five-foot bazooka and blew away the three orcs.

Unfortunantly, the bazooka also blew away half of the human army and a portion of the stone keep. "WHOOPS!!!" Haldir cried out as he let go of a no-longer crying Legolas. "MY BAD!!!"

All of a sudden, a Mozart midi started tinkling in the background of the battle. "Oh, oh, hold up…I've gotta take this!" Haldir called, shooing away a few orcs away that had originally been attacking him.

Immediately, Haldir pulled out his deluxe pink razor phone and opened it. "Hi mom! Yes, yes, I'm wearing clean underwear…no, I'm pretty sure I turned the oven off before I left…well, okay, whatever…I'm sorry…"

At this point, most of the orcs decided to take a break from the battle, lounging around with Cuban cigars and fine miruvor, a few reading copies of _War and Peace_. However, a few of the uncivilized cretins came running at Haldir despite the fact that he was on the phone!

Quickly, Haldir took his free hand and felt around in his pockets for a weapon, but there were none to be found! No matter though. With a great yank, Haldir pulled his right arm off of his body and started to beat down the orcs with it.

"Yes ma…oh, and don't forget the 2-percent milk while you're at the store…will you get me some of that squirty cheese too? Thanks! I love you mom; I'll talk to you later…okay, buh-bye!"

Faster than a speeding bullet, Haldir reattached his arm with some superglue and jumped off of the keep to body slam some of the disco dancing orcs. When Haldir got off of them, they were so flat that they looked like they had been steamrolled.

However, when Haldir got up, he was gripping his stomach in pain. Suddenly, Haldir's stomach started making loud noises.

"OH NO!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!" Screamed Orophin at the top of his lungs.

Everyone tried to take cover, even the orcs. However, it was too late; their demise was imminent. The ground shook beneath them and started cracking open, the deep being ripped into two parts. Finally, the last sound that the whole crowd would ever hear was heard.

"PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yes, dear friends. The mighty buttocks of Haldir had farted.

An explosion with a mushroom cloud could be seen for miles, the radiation of the blast pouring from the darkened clouds above mercilessly. Indeed, as the smoke cleared, it became obvious that no one had survived… Well, nobody but the marysues anyway…but they are highly resilient.

"Wow…" Haldir said in amazement, shedding a tear at the beautiful sight, "ONE FART TO RULE THEM ALL!!!"

"I'll say…" Called a male voice among the amorous mourners of Legolas. From out of the cloud walked the only man who could survive something like that.

Chuck Norris.

"You gotta show me how to do that man… I need that move in my arsenal to protect men once all of you elves go off to Valinor!" Chuck proclaimed.

"Oh, sure Chuck! Just give me a few more minutes to finish taking care of this, and then I'll be right with you!" Haldir replied, then started to run towards a helicopter that had a ladder hanging off of it.

Pointing at Sauron, Haldir called out, "BITCH!!! YOU'RE NEXT!!!"

To which Sauron replied, "Ash nazg gimba—OH HELL NO!!! I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!"

However, before Sauron could pack all of his lacy bras and panties up to leave, Haldir pulled out his lasso and took the entire tower down with one mighty swoop of his hand.

"YEEHAW!!!" He screamed, and rode off into the sunset on Bill the Pony.

And the land was safe once again.

_The End. _

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Okay, was it anywhere close to funny? I sort of wrote this on a whim. I haven't done a humor fic in years… Let me know what was good and what wasn't. Thanks!

-P.G.


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